This page may contain one or more affiliate links, which means that if you purchase a product through that link, I may receive compensation. The links will be identified with the text "affiliate link". Click to learn more.
These people, according to my unfiltered and probably controversial opinion, are the most hated celebrities in the entertainment industry. And I’m not talking about those Instagram influencers or reality TV attention whores. I’m specifically targeting movie actors here, the ones who actually pretend to have talent. Those “famous for being famous” parasites can eff right off – they’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. They haven’t done anything except take selfies and get plastic surgery; the thirsty media keeps shoving them down our throats.
My list of actors, though, these magnificent bastards have no legitimate reason to be on my list. I just hate their smug faces and perfect lives. Maybe it’s because they remind me of that douchebag who stole my girlfriend in high school, or maybe it’s because they’re just too damn perfect. Either way, they make my blood boil faster than a hooker’s temper when you short-change her. Here are the prime specimens of my hatred.
Matthew Broderick
First on my hate parade is Matthew Broderick. Sure, he was adorable as a kid, like a puppy you want to pet before it grows up and starts humping your leg. Everyone loved him in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off because he played an insufferable jerk who always got his way – basically every privileged white kid’s wet dream. The problem is, like that high school quarterback who peaked too early, he carried that same smug attitude into his adult years, and now he’s about as appealing as a colonoscopy.
Watching him try to be serious is like watching a chihuahua try to intimidate a rottweiler. His role as Inspector Gadget was so painful, it made me want to gadget-punch him right in his stupid face. The only thing more annoying than his performance was the fact that someone actually greenlit that travesty.
He’s a one-trick pony, and that trick got old faster than milk left out in the sun. Slapping different costumes on him is like putting lipstick on a pig – it’s still a pig, just more confused. Take his role in Glory for example. Who the hell thought casting him as a tough Civil War colonel was a good idea? He comes across about as intimidating as a bunny rabbit in a leather jacket.
In movies like Godzilla or Election, he played his natural state – a whiny little turd who thinks he’s tougher than he is. At least in Election, they actually used his inherent weakness as a feature rather than a bug. His character’s gradual descent from wannabe authority figure to pathetic has-been was more satisfying than finding money in your old jeans.
You know what would’ve been hilarious? Seeing Matthew Broderick young in The Road to Wellville, that comedy-drama film about Dr. John Harvey Kellogg and his Battle Creek Sanitarium. Imagine him trying to play a health nut obsessed with vegetarianism and colonic irrigation. It would’ve been a box office disaster, but at least a cult classic in the making. Maybe it would’ve given Matthew Broderick’s health a boost – God knows he needs it after years of playing the same tired character.
Shia LaBeouf
Speaking of trying too hard, let’s talk about that pretentious art school dropout, Shia LaBeouf. This guy’s got to be one of the most hated celebrities since people realized Nickelback wasn’t joking. He was perfectly cast in Transformers as a scrawny, awkward kid who couldn’t get laid in a brothel with a fistful of hundreds. But then Hollywood got cute with it. Suddenly, in Indiana Jones: Crystal Skull, they tried to convince us this twitchy little spaz was some kind of badass adventurer. It’s like watching your little brother try to act tough at Thanksgiving dinner – embarrassing for everyone involved.
And then there is that dumpster fire Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. The only thing less believable than him as a Wall Street shark is the idea that he could land a goddess like Carey Mulligan. That’s like watching a gopher bag a supermodel – it defies the laws of nature. The fact that she actually dated him in real life makes me question everything I know about women’s taste in men.
John Cusack
Another clueless-faced punk kid that made a great character during the 80s, but now comes off as an annoying douche. His legacy works for movies like Hot Tub Time Machine because he’s basically playing himself – a washed-up loser trying to relive his glory days like that pathetic uncle who still wears his high school football jacket. But it completely craps the bed for films like Runaway Jury, where they expect us to buy him as some kind of mastermind manipulator.
Are we really supposed to believe that this idiot-looking guy, who looks like God not only slapped him across the face with the moron-stick but followed up with a baseball bat to the chromosomes, somehow has the ability to sway a jury single-handedly? That’s about as believable as a stripper saying she’s only dancing to pay for medical school.
I mean sure, we will always remember him for Sixteen Candles, back when his face hadn’t fully developed that “I just smelled a fart” expression he’s been rocking since the 90s. But holy moly, someone needs to tell this guy that his expiration date passed faster than milk in a hot car. The next time he gets hired for a movie, someone needs to prank-phone-call the casting director and impersonate Cusack to say that he needs to cancel to get a rhinoplasty or something.
Though honestly, he needs more than just a nose job – we’re talking about an entire-face-plasty here. Hell, throw in a personality transplant while we’re at it. Maybe they can find a donor who actually has some acting range beyond “confused puppy who just walked into a wall.”